While reading the book Powers and Thrones: A New History of the Middle Ages (highly recommended if you're interested in history), I was reminded of the creatively honest naming used for some royalty and other officials (e.g., monks like Alweald the Bald or Siward the Fat).
Bring Back the Balds, the Fats, and the Unreadies
History has given us no shortage of rulers with names that inspire awe. Chief among them: Charles the Great, better known as Charlemagne. “The Great” is the sort of epithet you’d want on your résumé, LinkedIn profile, and gravestone. But not everyone in his family was so fortunate.
Take his descendant Charles the Bald. Nothing says “towering imperial majesty” like being immortalized as the guy without hair. Or consider Charles the Fat, who, despite running much of Europe, sounds less like a Holy Roman Emperor and more like the unfortunate star of a Renaissance diet pamphlet. Across the Channel, the English gave us Ethelred the Unready—a name that makes him sound like a student who didn’t do the homework, rather than a king of England.
Other gems:
- Louis the Stammerer: who apparently struggled more with speech than with ruling.
- Alfonso IX -- Baboso (the Slobberer): king of León and Galicia known for foaming at the mouth when upset.
- Philip the Amorous: hard to say whether that was flattering or just court gossip gone official.
- William the Bastard: later rebranded more tastefully as William the Conqueror -- proof that good PR matters.
- John Lackland: the youngest son of Henry II of England, famous for losing land and earning a name that basically means “the family screw-up.”
- Ivar the Boneless: a Viking leader whose medical condition gave him a name equal parts terrifying and tragicomic.
- Ivan the Terrible: his PR team apparently leaned all the way in on the menace factor.
- Haakon the Crazy: king of Norway, whose epithet makes him sound more like a pro-wrestler than a monarch.
- Justinian Slit Nosed: had his nose amputated by the usurper Leontius around 695 CE, and was exiled, but later returned to power (minus a nose).
One wonders if these men would have been remembered differently if their chroniclers had chosen more dignified adjectives. Imagine how history would read if Charles the Fat had been dubbed Charles the Magnificent. But no; posterity is cruel and hairlines crueler.
A Modest Proposal
In our modern age of spin doctors and slogans, this blunt honesty feels refreshing. It’s time to revive this tradition for our modern rulers. Forget poll-tested slogans and carefully managed branding. Let’s give leaders names that truly reflect how posterity will remember them:
- Donald the Fat: though “Donald the Litigious” might be equally fitting.
- Vladimir the Poisoner: no explanation needed.
- Musk the Mercurial: emperor of Mars (pending), Twitter (regrettably), and random late-night ideas.
- Xi the Eternal: with undertones equal parts flattering and ominous.
- Charles the Sustainable: king of England, eco-warrior, and sworn enemy of leaky pens.
Why stop there?
We could make Congress more fun, too: “Mitch the Obstructionist.” “Bernie the Unmoved.” “Marjorie the Conspiratorial.” Imagine C-SPAN with subtitles like that. Ratings solved.
Why It Matters
This system would simplify history textbooks, keep politicians humble, and provide voters with daily entertainment. Best of all, it guarantees honesty: no amount of campaign spin will save you from being remembered as the Clueless, the Boring, or the Constipated.
In a world addicted to branding, nothing could be more honest, or more fun, than calling our rulers what they are. The medieval chroniclers knew something we’ve forgotten: hairlines, waistlines, and temperaments outlast any campaign promise.